P.S. I think I love you

“You have made me, Oh God, to live forever in Your love...my heart is restless, until it finds rest in You.” - St. Augustine

Ok, so up to this point I’ve kinda shared some insights about little things here and there that have to do with modesty. But tonight, as I sat here trying to figure out what to write about this week, I realized that one thing I haven’t shared yet is the biggest reason why I am so passionate about it! So here goes...bring on the fire, this post is gonna get a little more personal.

I am, by nature, an extremely intense person. You can get me pretty fired up about a subject, but I’m also one of those people who refuses to stop just at the tip of the iceberg...I have to go all the way. And in all the different life experiences that I’ve been blessed (and not so blessed) with, I have discovered a very deep and powerful desire to love in an extreme way...so I do! In fact, the basic principle of ethics states that all men desire happiness. The way that I find myself searching for this happiness is in, through, and by loving people.

I have a confession to make. I’ve never had some deep relationship that opened my eyes on how to love another human being with everything I have, exclusively. Actually, in high school, I thought that there was something wrong with me because of that. I thought that the way to discover how to love was by “getting a boyfriend”. And I’m not gonna lie, right after senior year of high school and into the beginning of freshman year of college, I got one...but I found that I couldn’t pour all of my intensity into loving him, it didn’t work. So we broke up, I moped for a little bit, and life went on.

A few months after that, I was reading through some papers from Fr. Shea’s senior religion class, and my eyes focused on a poem written the notes, a beautiful piece from St. Augustine’s Confessions:

Late have I loved You, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new...late have I loved You!

You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for You.

In my unloveliness, I plunged into the lovely things which You created.

You were with me, but I was not with You.

Created things kept me from You; yet if they had not been in You they would have not been at all.

And so You called, You shouted, and You broke through my deafness.

You flashed, You shone, and You dispelled my blindness.

You breathed Your fragrance on me...I drew in breath and now I pant for You.

I have tasted You...now I hunger and thirst for more.

You touched me...and I burned for Your peace.

It was in that moment, that I suddenly learned how to love, and Who to love. It’s still something I’ve never actually felt...yah that’s right, I’ve never actually felt that warm, fuzzy feeling that love (or is it really just infatuation?) is supposedly known for, and yet for some reason I know that I love, and I know that I’m crazy enough to do absolutely anything and everything for Him. And you know why? Because I know that I have the capacity to love, and in this capacity to love, is an intense longing to help everyone love the way that I do! Who cares what they think about me, as long as I’m giving of myself entirely in an abandonment to love, nothing and no one can shake me.

So I’m extreme, crazy, and intense in every sense of those words. If you knew some of the things that I do in the name of that intense love I have, it would blow your mind. Maybe I’ll tell you sometime, maybe I won’t. It depends on how I feel about it. But for the record, I’m writing this because I care, because I’m passionate about it, because I LOVE YOU! Enter: Modesty...

Can I, may I, have this dance?

“Every little girl knows about love. It is only her capacity to suffer because of it that increases.” - Francoise Sagan

Imagine being six again. You’re a little girl, or a little boy. Ever experience is new and exciting, and life is just beginning for you. Nothing you want to do is impossible to fathom, and everything that you dream is possible. Insects, flowers, twigs, and dirt are the best toys that you could possibly ever imagine, and you are too innocent to realize the heartache that it will cause Mom when you come back to the house covered head to toe in mud!

We were all young and innocent at one point in our lives. I know when I was a little girl I absolutely loved dressing up in fancy, way-to-big-on-me dresses and dancing around the house. Then, in true six year old fashion, I’d go outside and jump around enough that the dress would be covered in dirt. I’d give almost anything to go back to those carefree days when heartbreak was impossible and the most hurt I encountered amounted to scraped and bruised knees.

These days, it’s so much easier to get hurt. Knees aren’t the only things that get cuts and bruises anymore, hearts do too. And heartbreak isn’t nearly as easy to clean up as a scraped knee is. A woman, the same one who once was a little girl pretending to be a princess, is now pretending to be other things. She doesn’t dance because it’s fun anymore, she dances to feel more secure about herself. She doesn’t dress up so that she can feel beautiful anymore, she dresses up so that she can feel beautiful when someone else tells her that she is...even when that someone else really doesn’t mean it. Sure, she’s a grown up, but deep down inside, I’ll bet that more than anything, she wishes that she was a kid again. All she wants to do, is be a princess.

Girls, let yourself be that princess, because you ARE one! Don’t let yourselves be bogged down by the world’s expectations, but be beautiful because you ARE beautiful, not because you have to be. Dressing modestly begins with the heart.

Daaang!!! Check out that floor length jumper!

“Most girls will be quick to point out that lust is the guy’s problem, and she shouldn’t be liable. This is because most girls don’t understand how guys are wired. Guys are, initially, sexually stimulated visually. They are quickly moved by what they see to begin dwelling on an eventual outcome. Girls, on the other hand, are generally, stimulated by touch. Since she doesn’t commonly experience the same process of stimulation, she often isn’t cognizant of the signals or messages she is sending to the opposite sex. It is our duty as followers of Christ to recognize gender differences and processes and be careful not to cause others to stumble.” - Modesty: Developing Dress Codes

As my ministry team discussed modesty this summer, and considered some problems we’d been having with it, we brainstormed ideas about the most effective way to get girls to realize that it is kind of a big deal. At one point, we just felt like we weren’t really getting anywhere, so we decided to take a break for a little bit. As we left, our team leader/boss gave me a CD talk to listen to, claiming that it might help me think of some ideas.

As I listened to this talk, I found something very interesting in what the speaker did. At one point in the talk, he read a handful of testimony letters from men in the community. These men wrote about how the different aspects of modesty effected them, no matter how hard they tried to make it not matter. Between hearing these letters be read and remembering one moment from a little earlier in the summer, I started to create an idea to help girls care more about what we were saying.

The thought that came to my mind from the summer was a memory of multiple discussions I’d had with one of the guys I worked with. Daniel and I actually had a lot of conversations about modesty and purity in general over the few months that we were working together, and he shared a lot of things that were really helpful to know from a girl’s perspective, some of which I’ll share in a later blog.

Between those conversations, and knowing that one of the most powerful things that I’ve ever had said to me was being thanked by a guy for being modest, I came up with the plan to collect letters from young men, ranging from mid-highschool to college age, who would be willing to write about the struggle it was to be Christian and pure in today’s world, and how important it is for girls to CARE about modesty. On top of that, Daniel agreed that he would talk to the girls himself, as well as thank them for dressing modestly.

To make a long story short, it seemed to work pretty well. It tugged the heart-strings to hear young, great, Christian guys write about purity, and it meant a lot to girls to have a guy thank them for being the women of God that they’re called to be.

Now, it doesn’t stop there, because one of my awesome guy friends who wrote one of those letters was also amazing enough to give me permission to post in here on my blog too! I know,personally, that as a young woman trying to live purely and modestly, it helps so, so much to know that I’m choosing to do the right thing, because there is so much crap out there telling me otherwise. Here’s what my friend wrote:

“I try to be the best guy I can be and I can treat any girl with outright respect with whatever she is wearing. The underlying problem is the way I think on the inside however. I'm a guy, and people always say, "It's okay, I'm just a guy," and as lame of an excuse as that is, there is a little bit of truth there. When girls wear low tops or short bottoms it's my natural instinct to think, "Daaang!!" This physical attraction is obviously natural, but our society has told us that physical attraction is all there is. If you can't seduce a guy through sex appeal, then you have no hope. As a guy, naturally that's the first thing I notice, but it's become really hard for me personally because sometimes it becomes all I notice. The fact that sex appeal is such a big distraction in everyday life, however, makes me more attracted to modestly dressed women because they seem so much fuller and more real. I don't know if that makes sense but I guess since without the distraction of the details of the female body, I can see her beauty in other ways. It's tough to explain but basically I always hear guys say," She's someone you don't hook up with. She's more the marrying type." Those girls are always the modestly dressed ones, and obviously get more respect, whether the guys mean to or not. The guys don't see her as an object but rather as a person.”

Wow! Every time I read that, I feel so thankful for the young men who are trying to do the right thing. It’s encouraging to know that there actually are guys out there who appreciate the virtue of modesty. If you are a guy reading this, thank you SO much for being real and striving to remain pure. If you’re a girl, just know that there are guys out there who appreciate you. Thanks for being the amazing you that you are!

You're crazy...you're crazy...but I love ya!

“When we find ourselves drawn towards other people, when we want to know more about them and make ourselves known to them, we are responding to God’s call - a call that is imprinted in our nature as beings created in the image and likeness of God, the God of communication and communion.”

- Pope Benedict XVI

Think about it. You roll out of bed in the morning, brush your teeth, and throw on the clothes that are closest to your reach (after you smell them to make sure they’re not too dirty). Now, if you’re like me, it’s too much effort to even THINK about whether or not you want to do something with your hair. I mean, really...who cares what you look like, right? Seriously, people should be glad that I even brush my teeth! Well, I certainly hope that you don’t do this EVERY morning, and I promise that I don’t...well at least not every single morning!

It does make you think about some pretty important stuff though, because modesty isn’t just about covering yourself up. It’s about communicating your values through the way that you dress, allowing others to see what you believe by their mere perception of you. So if you don’t put some time into how you look, it can actually detract from the beauty within, believe it or not. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to spend hours in front of the mirror making sure that your eyebrows are plucked perfectly, THAT'S vanity! But when you wake up and roll out of bed, you should ask yourself two questions as you get dressed and ready for the day:

1) Is the way I look today going to scream out to people that there is something different about me than everyone else?,

and

2) What do I want to communicate to the world today?

One of the most influential statements I’ve ever heard someone say to me is this: that as Christians, we’re not called to be a part of the world and “fit in”. On the contrary, we’re called to live radically different. RADICALLY different! It should be obvious to people in the way we dress, speak, walk, and act, what we believe and profess to be true. So go put on your sack cloth and ashes! Hurry up, what are you waiting for?! Alright, maybe everyone doesn’t need to be QUITE that radical. But did you know that the word “radical” actually means “thorough and complete”? Not "crazy, lunatic dive bomber"! Basically, the idea is that we need to immerse ourselves in a Christian modesty that is so complete and virtuous that we don’t even hesitate when it’s time to make a choice. Because as much as you try to communicate what you believe, it’s not gonna work until you start communicating in your dress, casual speech, and actions.

So, when you wake up tomorrow, what are you going to decide to tell people?

It’s your decision what you’re going to communicate, so make a good one!

Yah, yah...it's legit! The Modesty Survey

A couple blogs ago, I mentioned finding a list of things that guys had said about modesty. Believe it or not, it comes from an online survey sponsored by THE REBELUTION. A survey of over 1,600 guys across the country in 2007, it can help give you an idea of what real guys actually think, if you don't always feel like taking my word for it!

Check it out:

http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/

Keep in mind that I, as well as my fellow gal friends, were still confused about some of the answers to the survey. If you have any questions, I'm gonna say that your best bet for checking in on them and finding answers would be to ask your dad, brother, or a close and trusted guy friend. If you are a guy reading this, check out the petition on the homepage and feel free to contribute to it!

Churchified...only for the brave!

“The way we dress in the church environment or elsewhere doesn't make God love us more than He already does, but it exhibits our personality and spiritual maturity in a very profound way. It shows who we are within, when others look at us, they watch how we dress and learn something about us.” - Edyta Tehrani

One of the craziest things I’ve ever witnessed, with respect to modesty, is when girls go to church, Mass, etc., and they’re dressed like they’re going to head out to the clubs as soon as it’s over. I’m not talking about women coming to Mass with sleeveless tops and without a mantilla on their head. Even though I personally won’t bare my shoulders in a church atmosphere, I know that there are people who would criticize me that I don’t cover my head there either! So, those are details that tend to distract from the more pertinent issue at hand, a true understanding of how a woman should dress at Mass. (Sorry, I’m Catholic, so when I say Mass, I mean church in general, and I use the two words interchangeably) Is there an “unsaid” dress code that should be followed? Or does it really even matter at all?

First of all, I want to say that I’m not endorsing the idea of being careful about the way you dress in church, but not out of it. On the other hand, I DO believe that a girl needs to take EXTRA care in how she dresses in church. Why? Well first of all, it sets an example to everyone watching. “Sure, sure,” you might think, “people shouldn’t judge me for what I wear.” But the thing is that people don’t JUDGE you on what you wear...they SEE you. I’m not just talking about visually seeing you, but actually seeing into your soul and what you represent. The clothes that you wear are actually a part of how you present your “self” to the world. When you put your clothes on in the morning, you may not consciously think this, but your sub-conscience is telling you that this is how you’re going to communicate your identity to the world today. It’s for this reason that you,as a young woman, both need to be careful about what image you’re portraying to the world, ESPECIALLY at Mass.

Another reason to care about what you wear to Mass is the fact that it can actually be a distraction to the guys there. Over this summer, I was at the shooting for a TV series with Fr. Tom Morrow (no kidding, that’s his name!), the author of Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World: A Guide for Young Catholics, and he told me and the other few young people who were there a story about a young man whom he had once spoken with. This young man went to Sunday Mass one day at his local parish, as he always did, but this particular Sunday he happened to sit down to a beautiful young woman whom he didn’t know. Now this woman happened to be wearing a very low cut, cleavage baring top, and throughout the entire Mass the man struggled with his thoughts until finally he felt that he couldn’t even go up to receive Holy Communion because his thoughts were becoming adamantly more lustful as time went on. After Mass, the young man politely tapped the young woman on the shoulder and when she turned around, said to her, “Excuse me ma’am, but I felt that you might want to know this. I wasn’t able to receive Communion today because of what you’re wearing.”

I don’t know what that young woman did after that. Maybe she ran to the nearest burkha store and never showed any skin again, or maybe lost all hope and headed straight to the street corner. Although I doubt that either of those are true, I would assume that she took her brother in Christ’s simple comment as a charitable hint to think more carefully about what she wore and how it influenced those around her. The point I’m trying to make is this, as women, we have a very powerful gift in our sexuality, and when we are immodestly dressed we can unknowingly lead our brothers into sin. We want to try and help prevent this as much as we can, ESPECIALLY when we are in the very presence of the Holy Sacrament, or just in church in general. It's just common sense girls!

MODEST Shopaholics! (Anonymous?)

“One of the deadliest obstacles to the practical power of [modesty] is an undercurrent of suspicion that ‘the thing can’t be done’”

Gerard Kelly in his book “Chastity: A Guide For Young Teens”

For a girl trying to practice the virtue of modesty, one of the biggest challenges is shopping for the right clothes. Sure, it’s not impossible to find something nice and trendy that covers everything, but what about the peer pressure? What about the friend who encourages you to buy the dress that’s too short? Or the one who takes you shopping for your birthday and really, really wants you to get that top with the low neckline? The issue with shopping isn’t as much about FINDING the right clothes as it is about BEING with the right people, or knowing what to say to the ones who don’t have quite the same guidelines as you. So what DO you say when you’re stuck in a sticky situation that you want to get out of?

There are tons of options out there for facing peer pressure, but obviously one of the biggest and best answers is to be yourself. If you think something you try is too short, then say it out loud then don’t back down. Who cares if Stacy or Amy think it’s adorable on you?! If YOU think it’s not long enough, or doesn’t cover enough, then YOU don’t need to buy it! Sure, it can be harder than it sounds to just say “no”, so think about it this way. You go out and buy that dress with your friends, and then it sits in your closet for years because you’re uncomfortable wearing it. Sound familiar? Yah, I know it’s happened to me plenty of times. On the other hand, there’s always the temptation sitting there begging you to PUT IT ON!!! WEAR IT!!! And thus begins the slow slide to a completely different line of thought. Like the song says, it’s a slow fade when black and white can turn to gray. Don’t turn it to gray, stay strong when you shop!